A Bath When Sad

The bath when sad
reminds me of the last day
my cat was alive.
I bathed in ablution
before I went to put him
to sleep.
Afterwards, when I got home
to the empty house
I bathed in ablution again
and cried and cried.
Then I remember how
5 minutes after I had put him
to sleep,
out in the parking lot of the vet,
my partner at the time
argued with me about
when would I be showing up
to hangout with her and her girls
that night.
I remember that feeling;
complete disbelief and despair
that she would argue with me,
care about needing to know
such a thing, there in that moment,
in such a raw and tender moment,
the lifeless body of my 17 year old
cat laying right before us
wrapped in a towel
in the trunk of my car
… and then,
I get more sad.

Now —
The cat is gone.
She is gone.
Her girls are gone.
The cat is a spiritual presence
for me still, an everlasting being
and feeling of love.
She is something I don’t want
to remember, but still do
in lots of hurtful ways.

My Forests & My Wizards

My forests and my wizards
lead me in my days.
The living network
and the Dead.
My days are bound before
the sunshine’s chords,
the spirit clouds,
the respirations of oaks.
The calls, the draws,
herald my fate,
their listenings and their vibrations,
become my tongue,
my way, my steps forward.
My heart is like the forest’s roots
and my breath is the endless vapor
of the unliving,
their expanse across all time,
it shapes and fills my
now-woman body,
and rings my now-woman soul.
These curves
do the work
they were meant to do
… thanks to their conception
from the woods,
the lichens,
and the moss
as my ghost loves
hummed on.

On Our Way To Mexico

While taxiing on the runway
for our flight to Mexico,
you sitting two rows behind me,
my eyes filled with tears
as I simultaneously thought
of the love here now
growing between you and I
and also my heartbreak and loss
from an abortion five years ago.
That child would be five years old today.
I believe I carry her soul in my heart and body
as I live out my time on earth.
When I conceived her
in the middle of
a cold Michigan winter night
a light burst forth in my mind.
That light continues to
burst out of me
in all ways, in everything I do.

Traveling along the runway
I saw wildflowers growing
from weeds,
plastic bags shredded in the barb wire
of the airport fencing,
and an ambulance
rushing someone away
on a secret emergency airport road.
Once we caught flight,
I looked back and saw a glimpse
of your blue eyes
looking out into the blue skies
and I said to myself,
“Oh, here we are”.