When it finally all came down
I was in bed
feeling shitty on a
Saturday morning
after I’d said shitty things to you
the night before
and Fleetwood Mac’s
“As Long As You Follow”
came on the radio.
I couldn’t hold back anymore.
I realized you would not
follow me.
And you were never going to.
I’d spent the relationship trying
to get you to follow me into love
and the many vibrant colors of love
and when you didn’t so regularly
it angered me, it felt unjust.
And so it all hit me that morning;
we are over,
we will never be again,
we were never meant to
really be…
and I broke out bawling,
sobbing, uncontrollably,
the way a child cries,
deeply and forlorn, abandoned,
alone in the empty house,
the empty morning,
with just the sunlight and
the stillness
in the bed we used to make love
to each other, gasp to gasp.
The familiar loneliness of a transwoman
with a cisgender woman.
Except this time,
not only loneliness
but nothingness too.
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